Friday, September 22, 2006

Death of a Shadesman - AP Newswire

(Anchorage, AK) On Thursday, September 21st, at 3pm Alaskan Standard Time, Shades McSpecs died of undetermined causes. He was 7 months of age. Experts close to the deceased conclude the probable cause of death to a broken heart from abandonment.

Shades McSpecs came into existence in a maniacal lapse in good judgment.

Blurry eyed and desperate, Joseph Johnson decided that a new pair of glasses was just what he needed to get an edge in the business world. He had already tried the Karrass school of negotiation, which he had purchased from Sky Mall magazine, and was still not capable of either winning friends or influencing people. Johnson reasoned, with his synapses twisted into a desperate mess, that specs had to be the answer. It was not until he naively agreed to transitional lenses, that the trouble really began. His blind agreement to a lens treatment he knew nothing about proves how much of a sucker Johnson is for upsells covered by his insurance.

From the beginning Shades and Johnson had a turbid relationship. It first began when he realized that transitional lenses actually...transition. Soon after receiving his shiny new glasses he stepped outside to find his coworkers in an uproar of laughter. With horror Johnson realized that his smart horn-rimmed glasses transform into artfag 90's molester shades with a flash of the sun's rays. With each moment the shades turned darker, his anger deepened. He dubbed his glasses "Shades McSpecs" and swore that they would be dead before the year's end. There were indeed good times, but in the end everyone knew that the relationship would have to end.

Johnson's face shows obvious shock after see the dark side of shades.

Shades befriends Hoats, and is loathed by Rachel Kim.

Captured here is the common scene of Johnson attempting to remove shades before the camera clicks and captures the awkward spectacle.

In a classic moment of irony Shades is covered with shade.

On a trip to Lens Crafters in Anchorage Shades was replaced with a smart pair of polycarbonate lenses with wire frames. Truly they will be loved like Shades never could have been. The rejection was a crushing blow that led to the death of Shades.

Upon hearing of Shades' demise Rachel Kim reminisced, "Never before have I felt my attraction for a man drain, as it had when I looked at Shades. His winsome banter and frolicking manner will not be missed." This perhaps best summarizes the life of the often misunderstood and always loathed Shades.

Shades McSpecs


Anonymous Joey's Maui Mama said...

Tragedy of a tale, and Oh! How fickle is woman!

...but do keep in mind that shades come and go with the wind...they have their day in the sun and then they're gone...they fade into the dark pockets of backpacks and car consoles, and eventually wind their way, via the LENU (Lenscrafters Export Network Underground), to the 3rd world where they are appreciated for more than appearances. Your shades will live to serve someone who deserves and appreciates them.

But I say, good riddance! Tne new ones look better!

9/23/06, 5:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you guys are...there is no word to describe it. all i have to say is i hope you are gonna write a book when your trip is said and done.

sorry we missed your call the other night - we were having dinner with friends and alas had to switch our phones to 'vibe' to avoid being rude. it was so good to hear your voice Rachel and to see 'joe johnson' on the list of missed calls. please do try again. I believe jim tried to phone you back but it was pretty late. we miss you guys dearly...classes start on monday for us (ugh) and it's gonna be a crazy life for the abrahams! Jim starts his internship at a church in redondo beach next week and I start seeing clients at my practicum site here in Pasadena. anyway, this is getting to be more like an email than a comment. sorry bout that. we just miss you guys and luv you so much!

blessings to you,
jim & mackenzie

9/23/06, 5:21 PM  
Blogger Crystal said...

Shades Mcspecs RIP.

9/24/06, 9:16 AM  
Anonymous nene said...

cause good thing anchorage is so fun.

9/25/06, 3:56 PM  

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