Wednesday, August 02, 2006

JJ's Road Remedies for the Common Traveler: Chapter 1- Pork Paw & the Hairy Vents

Due to countless requests from our loyal readers, we have decided to start an advice column addressing everyday problems that are bound to arise while travelling down the road of life. After all, homespun wisdom is priceless and should be shared with all. Enjoy, and please feel free to offer up some of your own quandries and remedies.

Problem One: While cruising along the CA-1 a bee flies into your window at 70 mph and plants its stinger deep into your hand. A strange allegic reaction occurs, swelling your hand to almost the exact same size as the paw of common swine. You have a pork paw. The very sight of it makes your girlfriend want to slap your hand on the griddle and fry it up for breakfast.

The Remedy: While traveling thru Santa Cruz, locals informed us of a very enjoyable remedy for PPS (pork paw syndrome). Simply order a large pitcher of Sierra Nevada Summerfest and drink the whole thing. While this "Beer Bath" won't reduce swelling or itching, it will turn the Pork Paw into a humorous source of endless entertainment. On top of playing pin the paw to the dart board, great fun can be had by making swine squeals and rubbing the paw on strangers. Roo paw you may have met your match.

Problem Two: Theres nothing like enjoying the ocean air west of San Mateo: the salt, the mountain, the harbor seals freshly clubbed. Everything is picturesque, when suddenly some curly silver hair floats out of the AC vent. Now, this is troubling because Gunther is merely 19 years old and should not have gone grey. Also, the massive amounts of hair would suggest that somebody stuffed a curly poodle down the AC duct. Basically, the whole think makes you want to torch the van and take a shower for a week.

The Remedy: Carefully remove the buckets of hair from the vents with your girlfriend's best tweezing utensil. Sure she may have bushier eyebrows the rest of the trip but you are one step closer to savoring the sweet summer air without choking on unidentified hair.

This concludes the inagaural edition of Road Remedies from JJ. Stay tuned for more advice for the road weary.


Anonymous Joey's mom said...

The hairy vent is wierd and creepy...hard to explain that one. Good riddance. Thanks for the photo and the practical tweezer remedy for such a future time as we, too, deal with this problem faced by common travelers. The pork paw is just plain funny. Hilarious in fact. In a couple of days it should start itching and driving you insane and causing sleepless nights. Road remedy: pack it with mud from down by the river.
Love and happy travels, Joey's MOM

8/3/06, 12:40 AM  
Blogger Jaime said...

Oh my gosh!! So funny!I can't remember the last time you got stung by a bee besides when you and Kevin decided to catch bees in your bare hands. Yosemite looks much more amazing now then when we were little. I am so excited for you!love you, Jdog

8/3/06, 8:29 AM  
Blogger Eric said...

Pork paw is surely your karmic comeuppance for roo paw. You took such delight in the severed appendage of a poor Aussie marsupial that the universe has decided your time has come. Don't expect any sympathy when the gangrene sets in.

Re: hair in vents. Was it human hair? I can only wonder what's happened to the rest of whatever it once belonged to. Something for you guys to ponder.

8/3/06, 9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I am sort of disappointed in your remedy pictures. I was looking forward to seeing pork paw with a blond wig (or at least pork paw thumb wrestling roo paw!!!). what to do if a grasshopper jumps into your mouth??
New Language remedy:
chingmanglooyoma-pork paw
tangchowneehowmayo-hairy vent
Happy Trails,
Sand, Nell, J-dizzle

8/3/06, 9:39 PM  
Anonymous Joey's Maui Mama said...

Aidan and the girls are fascinated by pork paw. He, in particular, keeps asking to look at it on the computer. He just stares at it....
Then he asked about the hair in the vent. I didn't know what to say so I just changed the subject.

8/4/06, 12:37 AM  
Anonymous JR said...

Have you tried soaking the pork paw in some Kendall Jackson?

8/4/06, 1:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Here is one that has us stumped... What in the world is the remedy for Drysack?


8/5/06, 11:01 AM  
Blogger Sleena said...

Perhaps Chewbacca or Sasquatch got busy in Gunthar before you adopted him?

9/1/06, 3:14 PM  
Anonymous penny said...

sooooo funny! down under we call it "Roo's Revenge".

of course the perfect antidote is smearing it in Vegemite.

you packed the Vegemite, right???

watch out for Dingos xxx

9/2/06, 8:20 AM  

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